Miss Understood*

I feel misunderstood in a way that explaining can't even explain. One day I'm "this" and one day I'm "that." Why is this such an issue? Why are my beliefs, or lack thereof under so much scrutiny?
I can't remember the last time I had the "religion" talk with anyone in in close relation to me. Perhaps it is because, (as pointed out to me) I can't seem to commit to either side of the fence. Some days you gotta dance. Others, well... I just sit it out.

Daily update on beliefs as follows:

(note this may change at a rapid pace... so keep up.)

1. I believe in FAMILY.
2. I believe that I am entitled to my own opinions and beliefs, no matter how off the wall they may seem to others, & to project my beliefs onto others is not right for me to do... no matter how odd or off color I think other's beliefs are.
3. I believe in God.
4. I believe that Jesus did exist.
5. I believe I know my own heart very well and trust it completely.
6. I believe that love comes from here and there and everywhere...*

I found myself tonight after the gym, in the most precarious conversation with my little sister... we'll call her Sarah for the sake of concealing identies... *

For the 1st time in many years, I realized just how fucked up people seem to think my ideas and beliefs are. Because I've been so back and forth about, well, everything. I get seriously afraid to talk to this sister of mine. Perhaps it is because I value her opinion so very much, she has no idea... Perhaps it is because I am a bit intimidated by her. Perhaps it boils down to my own insecurities.

The one thing I know and believe in utterly is family. If it weren't for my children, my siblings, my mother and other close relatives, I don't believe I'd be alive today. Quite literally. That is truly the one thing I believe in utmost. No one can ever take that away from me. Even if they were gone tomorrow, I'd still have the belief that I'd be with them again someday.

Positive Ebb and Flow*

Last weekend it came to an end. That which I knew for too many years and now it is done.
Ron and I are over. The girls are wrecked.
This is something that was inevitable...

It hit me like a ton of bricks when they spent the night over at his apartment the night before last. There was a knock at the door and it was Ron, delivering the girls back home to me. He told me of how traumatized they were and that neither one of them were able to sleep. He implied that all of this was my fault. And off he went.
There were so many tears and heartache flowing like a waterfall. I was unprepared. My Mother was here when they came. At the door, Sarah wouldn't let go of Ron's leg. She wanted Daddy. She couldn't understand the reason he doesn't live here anymore. She sobbed in such a way that my heart fell out of my chest and onto the ground... Then it was Willow's turn.
I sat on the couch with both of them in my lap and sobbed. Some people say sobbed with the slightest impression that they cried, but, I SOBBED. Overwhelming. Scary even. This was too difficult. An amazing sense of guilt and responsibility flooded me. I HAD done this. My choice was the reason that they were crying. This wasn't something that Ron would've been brave enough to do, he could've and would've stayed complacent in our fucked up relationship forever, if he knew it meant not changing anything.
The prison break part of this is over, which I am immensely grateful for. Now I just need to convince Ron that he needs to get the rest of his things out, so the girls don't stay forever confused and with that will come freedom for all involved.
In the long run, this IS all for the better. I have tried to keep a positive flow and attitude about it all... as one of my very good friends has told me to. The positivity will promote a good outcome for the girls and that is ALL that I want. It doesn't make it anymore easy though. It doesn't take away any less of our already fragmented hearts either... But, it does make it a bit less terrifying.
We are free and clear to be happy again.

OK, ok... Ya had me at hello

Figured it out.
MUST do it.
Destiny.

It Is So Tempting...

It is so tempting to just throw in the towel.

Think about it.

hmm...

But now that I have your attention, I am scared shitless lately. "Why" you ask?

Here's my list...:

1. Am I really "good enough?"

2. Should I really do it?

3. Can I come up with those damned lists?

4. Do I want to ???

Hmmm...

For those of you who know what I'm talking about... any thoughts?

I Got "Tagged", and Now I'm "It!"

Sarah, my little sister just tagged me...
So now I have to share 6 things that absolutely NO ONE knows about me. -Here goes nothin'.

1. I get secretly scared EVERY time I sing in front of ANYONE!!!
2. I made out with a gay guy once. (yikes)
3. I told everyone that my labor didn't hurt with Willow... that was a lie. It hurt like a motherf**ker!
4. Someday I will have a #1 hit on either the country billboards or pop. (unsure*)
5. Sometimes I hide chocolate, so on the days that I am sad or need a choc fix, I am the only one who knows where it is, so that i can GORGE on my Snickers bar... oh how sad.
6. I don't really measure up to 6'0... I just like to say I do!!!


whoah NELLY! that was a lot of uneccessary informatioN!
So now that YOU"ve read this, YOU must do the same... cause,

TAG! -YOu'RE IT!!!*~*

Cheesy Girls!

My Sarah. My neice Lucy. My Willow.
Soooo cheesy!

Painting

Today Ron and I painted our livingroom and now I am sooo exhausted.
Here is a little looksy at it.

C.A.A.D.D.

A friend of mine recently sent this to me in an email... It's soooo true~!

"This probably has never happened to any of you...right?

Recently, I was diagnosed with C. A. A. D. D. - Child Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests: I decide to do the laundry. As I start toward the laundry room, I notice that there are cheerios all over the floor and my car keys are in the cereal bowl. I decide to pick up the cheerios before I do the laundry. I lay my car keys down on the counter, put the cheerios in the trash can under the counter, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to take out the trash. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left, my extra checks are in my desk in the office/playroom, so I go to my desk where I find a sippy cup full of juice. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I decide I should put sippy cup in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the sippy cup, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye --they need to be watered. I set the sippy cup on the counter, and I discover baby wipes that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back in the bathroom, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the wipes back down, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote, one of the kids left it on the kitchen table. I realize that after school when they go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote as they fight over who lost it, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down, get some paper towels and wipe up the spill.Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the laundry isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm cup of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find the wipes, and I don' t remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll start the laundry..." -Author unknown.

I WILL!!!

1. Sing everyday for at least an hour.
2. Play my guitar 3-5x's a week.
3. Be more dilligent about keeping up my house/laundry.
4. Enjoy my kids.- every moment counts!
5. Write a new song every week... (doesn't have to be excellent or anything!)
6. Be a better/nicer/more loving partner and friend.

TOTAL MONEY MAKEOVER

All I have to say is that I love Dave Ramsey.
Thank you.

Baby it's Cold Outside

Shit.
It's like 14 degrees.

I went to pick up Willow from Scoo today and I thought I was going to freeze to death. And it's not a far walk to the car, folks.

Christmas is coming. Very excited about it.

Can't wait for the cold to be over with though... NOW!

Ahh. My New Look

Yes I am starting fresh with a new template. I quite like it.
I got the idea from my lil sis, http://www.foxystarbuck.blogspot.com/

I quite like the new blog setup. It looks more relaxed and happy. The only thing about this new look is that it has wiped out all my links and contacts... to my buddies... So, I will list them here.

Luhz: http://www.ruralrosy.blogspot.com/
Tibcat: http://www.tibcat.blogspot.com/
Lolly: http://www.lollygaggering.blogspot.com/
Brother Nikko: http://www.brothernikko.blogspot.com/
SLCSPIN: http://www.slcspin.com/
Me at MYSPACE: www.myspace.com/31tex
Saroo at MYSPACE: www.myspace.com/sarooofthesea
Angelee at MYSPACE: http://www.myspace.com/angelabingham
ShaV at MYSPACE: www.myspace.com/shaunabrand


New beginnings. Ahh. The healin' power of new beginnings.

Sick.

I sit here.
I am sick.
I have a fever still.
It has been at least a week since Willow brought home, "The Cold Of Deaaath". Only, she is feeling TONS better and is back at school and I just seem to keep getting worse. Who has a fever for over a week? -Me. Who has the body aches all day and night? -Me.

WHy me?

And where the hell is the Nyquil?

Water and Fall

For someone who lives no where near a large body of water, Sarah is a water log.
There wasn't one time this summer that she didn't have the hose in her hand, waving it around. Watering the tomato plants, getting the kitties wet, or getting sprayed down by her Daddy or Willow.
Sarah is such a waterbaby. Willow has become more of a water afficianodo this last summer. She and Sarah had such fun together with the hose. Ya know, we never did go swimming this year... And I am afraid that the waterplay days are numbered... Fall is coming. This is how I know I'm getting old; my joints are aching at night. -Sure sign of the seasons changing and premature aging.
Isn't she so cute with her hose and her little kitty in the background?
:)

“Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed”

Ahh... Cussing. Swearing. Obscenities.

Whatever you like to call it, everybody does it, right down to The Pope himself. However, His version may be unlike yours or mine...

I especially liked it in "Pulp Fiction"

Honey Bunny: [about to rob a diner] I love you, Pumpkin.
Pumpkin: I love you, Honey Bunny.
Pumpkin: [Standing up with a gun] All right, everybody be cool, this is a robbery!
Honey Bunny: Any of you f**king pricks move, and I'll execute every motherf**king last one of ya!

Befriending Herion Addicts...

The thing of it is this:

1. I have a BIG heart.
2. I think everyone deserves a 2nd chance.
3. I have NO experience with herion or "the addicted".

Just by happenstance, a herion addict befriended me about 4 wks. ago.
I was out in my backyard and she kind of appeared out of nowhere... introduced herself. Told me her SAGA about herion and that she was 'clean' and had been for 2 mos... or so. I thought there was no harm in befriending her back, so I welcomed her as a friend.
I started helping her, as she was and had been in a wheelchair since she was 15 and she was 28. She'd been using for 8 years, at least 12 times a day. She told me she had been going to the "Methadone CLinic" down in Sugarhouse the last 2 years and that she was clean now...
She started lying to me. This should've been my 1st clue. I tried to believe that this was the truth, her lies and then realized it was all lies. Told Ron about it... he said to be wary. He said that she was probably using again... I thought this was a very calice sort of perspective and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I took her to Church with me and my girls. She lied to The Bishop right before my very eyes. I should've listened to Ron.
The day I met her I should've realized she was a junkie-liar. Then, she showed up to our house last weekend HIGHER than anyone I've ever known. Couldn't understand a WORD she was saying as it looked as if she'd been drooling the whole way over to our house. We were luckily on our way out, and so I had an excuse... "Sorry. We're just leaving." was what I said. She went, "bleahhhhhhhhhh.......bleahhhhhhhh........ drool." She wasn't even THERE!
So she's called me a BILLION times since that night and I haven't spoken to her, as I have been too mad and disappointed to talk to her. People have given me 2nd chances, and I sit here thinking. Am I being too harsh? Should I talk to her? What should I say? I just don't know what to do.

B-E-A-uuuuuutiful!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remembering Smells

Yesterday Willow got some puffy Care Bear stickers from Aunt Sarah. They were just like the ones that Sarah and I used to have in our sticker books. As I opened the package for her, the scent of the puffy stickers took me back a decade or two.

It got me thinking of how I remember smells... The smell of summer rain on dry dirt reminds me of my Grandmother and Grandfather's house in New Mexico.

The smell of a cassette tape reminds me of when my sister Sarah and I used to "create our own version of a radio show"... rewinding it and listening to it's imperfections, only to re-record it and do it all over again. (With our own man-made commercials and all.)

The clean smell of TIDE reminds me of a childhood friend, Jaime Larsen's house...

What do you tie to your memory of smells?

Eat your green beans, or I'll call Santa...

So. The other night I made dinner, as usual... But something very funny happened. I called Santa to report that Willow was not eating her green beans. He proceeded to tell me that Willow was still on
the "NICE" list, and that if she were to NOT eat her vegetables, she would indeed be struck from the good list, and onto the "NAUGHTY" list.
Well, this conversation was so believable to the outside ear, that Willow did INDEED eat her green beans.

She also asked for more.

CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE...***)))

Oh how I love Charlie Brown Christmas The Movie.
I love it so much that I bought the DVD for my girls and we have seen it now several times. It is so much more fun to watch it with them then I remember it being with anyone else.

The things that I love about Christmas are so different than what I used to love about it. For instance, I love that I have little kids that wake up and expect to see presents under the tree from Santa Claus. I love that I get to BE Santa Claus now! That is such a fun feeling!
Now I understand how much fun it must have been for my Mom to do Christmas for all her kids. The wrapping and writing in fancy cursive from: Santa Claus*))) Hiding presents in my closet from Willow especially. She's been asking LOTS of questions about Santa and when he is coming. I just imagine her pulling a "Sarah and Terri Christmas scheme", opening all their presents then, rewrapping them, thinking that certainly nobody would notice!!!

I can't wait for this Christmas!