Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Miss Understood*

I feel misunderstood in a way that explaining can't even explain. One day I'm "this" and one day I'm "that." Why is this such an issue? Why are my beliefs, or lack thereof under so much scrutiny?
I can't remember the last time I had the "religion" talk with anyone in in close relation to me. Perhaps it is because, (as pointed out to me) I can't seem to commit to either side of the fence. Some days you gotta dance. Others, well... I just sit it out.

Daily update on beliefs as follows:

(note this may change at a rapid pace... so keep up.)
  1. I believe in FAMILY.
  2. I believe that I am entitled to my own opinions and beliefs, no matter how off the wall they may seem to others, & to project my beliefs onto others is not right for me to do... no matter how odd or off color I think other's beliefs are.
  3. I believe in God.
  4. I believe that Jesus did exist.
  5. I believe I know my own heart very well and trust it completely.
  6. I believe that love comes from here and there and everywhere...*

I found myself tonight after the gym, in the most precarious conversation with my little sister... we'll call her Sarah for the sake of concealing identies... *

For the 1st time in many years, I realized just how fucked up people seem to think my ideas and beliefs are. Because I've been so back and forth about, well, everything. I get seriously afraid to talk to this sister of mine. Perhaps it is because I value her opinion so very much, she has no idea... Perhaps it is because I am a bit intimidated by her. Perhaps it boils down to my own insecurities.

The one thing I know and believe in utterly is family. If it weren't for my children, my siblings, my mother and other close relatives, I don't believe I'd be alive today. Quite literally. That is truly the one thing I believe in utmost. No one can ever take that away from me. Even if they were gone tomorrow, I'd still have the belief that I'd be with them again someday.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Positive Ebb and Flow*

Last weekend it came to an end. That which I knew for too many years and now it is done.
Ron and I are over. The girls are wrecked.
This is something that was inevitable...

It hit me like a ton of bricks when they spent the night over at his apartment the night before last. There was a knock at the door and it was Ron, delivering the girls back home to me. He told me of how traumatized they were and that neither one of them were able to sleep. He implied that all of this was my fault. And off he went.
There were so many tears and heartache flowing like a waterfall. I was unprepared. My Mother was here when they came. At the door, Sarah wouldn't let go of Ron's leg. She wanted Daddy. She couldn't understand the reason he doesn't live here anymore. She sobbed in such a way that my heart fell out of my chest and onto the ground... Then it was Willow's turn.
I sat on the couch with both of them in my lap and sobbed. Some people say sobbed with the slightest impression that they cried, but, I SOBBED. Overwhelming. Scary even. This was too difficult. An amazing sense of guilt and responsibility flooded me. I HAD done this. My choice was the reason that they were crying. This wasn't something that Ron would've been brave enough to do, he could've and would've stayed complacent in our fucked up relationship forever, if he knew it meant not changing anything.
The prison break part of this is over, which I am immensely grateful for. Now I just need to convince Ron that he needs to get the rest of his things out, so the girls don't stay forever confused and with that will come freedom for all involved.
In the long run, this IS all for the better. I have tried to keep a positive flow and attitude about it all... as one of my very good friends has told me to. The positivity will promote a good outcome for the girls and that is ALL that I want. It doesn't make it anymore easy though. It doesn't take away any less of our already fragmented hearts either... But, it does make it a bit less terrifying.
We are free and clear to be happy again.

Friday, February 01, 2008

OK, ok... Ya had me at hello

Figured it out.
MUST do it.